Sunday, June 22, 2014

Joachim Low just doesn't learn lessons

There's not much more I can add. The man fucking loves picking his nose on the global stage. God Bless you Joachim Low. You truly are a nosepicking legend. Thank you.
I've run this blog for over 4 years, and Joachim Low has shown a compulsion for picking his nose at EVERY moment. It's almost like he knows when the camera will turn to him so he can pick his nose. I have come to a diagnosis. In my most assuredly nonprofessional opinion he has Rhinotillexomania. And it truly is a beautiful thing to see.

I will see you at the inaugural APTN hall of fame class.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

A lone baseball player stands strong as a nosepicker

Amongst all of the hullabaloo of the World Cup and their excessive nosepicking, one baseball players stands tall in the crowd and proclaims to the sports world: We baseball players pick our noses as well. Lest people forget about how much free time there is in baseball to pick their noses, Kevin Kiermaier stands proud, facing the world in an interview and shows that baseball players are just as capable of picking their noses. I didn't forget Kevin. Clamp that nosepick with pride.

The Tale of Two NBA Nosepicks

Two NBA superstars. Two nosepicks. Two men utterly confused by what resulted. While the actions are similar, there are distinct differences between when Kevin Durant and Dwight Howard picked their noses.
 As you can see Kevin Durant is reflective, asking himself not only what resulted from his nosepick, but what does it mean? How does this fit into the grand scheme of things? How will this help me become better at basketball? Dwight Howard, on the other hand, the only thing I can imagine running through his head is "The fuck is this?"

Aw yeah pollen was in full effect today. Suarez shines... In Nosepicks.

Unfortunately, the English were eliminated today despite Wayne Rooney doing the seemingly impossible for himself: scoring a goal in the World Cup. But with the pollen counts high, I knew we would have some nice nosepicks. Gary Cahill seemed determined to carry the weight for the English side, getting a couple of nosepicks in there. Showing a diversity in his game, he first goes with the clamp. Whether he got both nostrils or just the right was not determinable by the replay. He then went with the sideswipe on the left nostril much later in the game when England was looking for the draw.

Unfortunately for Cahill and the English team, there was no matching the magic of Suarez today. After scoring the game-winning goal due to the charitable defense of England, Suarez settled down for the last 5 minutes of stoppage time and did the prayer nosepick. I like the particular nosepick because it asks for the gods' help, but it also has the ability for an offering. We get a bonus clamp by Abel Hernandez in the background for the camaraderie with Suarez's prayer. The sychronized nosepick is a sign of true team chemistry. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Uruguay is looking like the nosepick favorites of this year's World Cup.

 Immediately following the prayer, Suarez digs in with the T-shirt nosepick. Suarez shows his professionalism by picking his nose here without even making bare contact with his nose. Watching the replay I was impressed with how deep he got with the material in the way. The shirts that athletes wear these days are impossibly lightweight and flexible, so I really shouldn't be surprised, but the way Suarez used the shirt shows me there is so much more to explore in terms of T-shirt nosepick besides the generic swipe.

P.S. Did you remember to follow us on twitter?

EDIT: How did I miss this one??!! Here we have an English bench player getting the game started strongly with a pointer finger nosepick. Respectable composure and depth with the pointer finger, so I give him props for the decent nasal penetration and disregard of etiquette. The problem is that it just matches the English game: Fundamentally sound but lacks the pizzazz. He's almost bored with such a nosepick, as if he's happy just to be there and that's how you get eliminated. I want to see some flair, that's how you get the golasos.
Thank you Holly for the nosepick I missed.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

ATTN World Cup fans: Leave the Nosepicks for professional athletes please.

Look, I can't fault the technique. The nosepick is quality, with the pointer finger getting almost knuckle deep. The problem here is that your team is getting eliminated from the World Cup. The time for such a quality nosepick should have happened much earlier in the Cup. Fan Nosepicks like this to get their team going need to happen when there was still hope and maybe the players would have responded.

I would just like to say now that I am disappointed in the Spanish National Team. Such a talented group of nosepickers getting eliminated so early, It's like the didn't even want to pick their nose on the national stage this year. 

Thank you @Ryan Wakler for the capture

Are the Pollen levels in Brazil limiting Nosepicks?

I was concerned watching these few games of the World Cup because I noticed a significant decline in the amount of nosepicks. The amount of extended closeups without budging towards the nose signals one of two things to me: Either the players and coaches have been tipped off about my strenuous research, or that the air is not conducive to nosepicking. So I did my research and there have been low/moderate levels of tree and grass pollen and absolutely no weed pollen. This has been making me nervous, but I do have good news about the pollen count for the upcoming games:
This is extremely promising news and I believe the nosepicking will increase significantly the next few days.

Also, despite my hand-wringing, I did manage to catch a few from the Korea/Russian match. First we have a Korean assistant coach going for a major clamp, not even bothering to put his pen down, so I admire the manual dexterity. We also have the Head Coach with his hands dangerously close to his face in the will he or won't he position. Unfortunately the cameras changed before we got an answer to the question.

 And next we managed to get Hong Jeongho just as he was turning his back to the camera. The spatial awareness is too impressive and therefore we only have a hint of a nosepick and no firm details on the technique. It hints of a swipe, but I can not say for sure and it would be against my journalistic integrity to call it definitively.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

LeBron contemplates the Decision 2.0

I am posting this nosepick I caught a lot earlier in the season. I am deeply saddened by the Finals loss but right now I can only hope you're picking your nose in a Miami Heat jersey next year.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Joachim Low with the ultimate nosepick power move

Calm down everyone, I'm back. It's ok baby, I never left you for good, I just needed my space, to find me, you know? I never stopped loving you, life is just complicated sometimes, but I always knew I'd come back to you. For now let's focus on the good stuff. It's the World Cup again and jesus did it remind why I love soccer so much. Sure there's passion and beauty and tension and athleticism but that's not why of course. It's the fucking nosepicks, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Soccer players fucking love picking their noses. The World Cup is practically Christmas for me. They are the most creative and excessive in that department.
Robin Van Persie is back, and I can't wait to feature him when he inevitably picks his nose in celebration of a goal, but when it comes to nosepicking, Joachim Loew is my absolute favorite. The man is obsessed with picking his nose. He has reached the point where he is using it as a power move. Watch as he gazes over the pitch seeing Ronaldo come jogging over. His team just demolished Portugal and so he needs to remind Ronaldo and the world who is boss. He picks his nose, and then reaches out to shake Ronaldo's hand. The technique itself is nothing to write home about, but he did it with such openness, such disregard for cleanliness or decorum. He makes Ronaldo take his nosepick remnants. Here you go bud, take that booger, enjoy it. He even taps on the hand for the extra emphasis. Ronaldo is now the property of Joachim Loew. This is just how the world works. Tune in next time when Loew makes Ronaldo hold his beltloop.