Saturday, December 25, 2010

King Santa James and APTN present: A nose-picking Christmas!

 Merry Christmas all! In the spirit of the giving season, King Santa James and I are blessing all my fans with 3 nosepicks today. Don't say I never give you guys anything. In this time of spreading joy, even Bill Belichick couldn't help but get into the spirit with a long swipe after Benjarvus Green-Ellis scored a touchdown. As you come to expect with Billy, he does things a bit differently. He runs a tight ship but he lets loose here with a pick unseen on this site so far. He raised his hand and brought it down in an impressive motion. (I will try to put video up shortly) This man, who is dubbed a football genius, clearly has a flair for the dramatic and an innovative approach to nosepicking.

Here we have Tommy Bowden who was the best mediocre coach in the land for years. This pick is not reflective of his coaching style, however. This picture shows a man focused on putting out the best effort possible, which is more than can be said for his teams throughout the years. He goes with the index and gets in there pretty well. It's a shame he resigned two years ago so our seeing another performance like this is benched for a bit until a mediocre team fires their coach and commits to a new coach to lead them to even greater mediocrity.

Enough coaches, we need an athlete, perhaps a superstar athlete, perhaps a superstar athlete doing things like only a superstar athlete would. Enter Tiger Woods, courtesy of the gloryhole of the sports world. We know that Tiger Woods wants to be a billionaire, despite the recent setbacks due to a wife who just doesn't understand his sex addiction. Billionaires don't pick their own noses, that's just absurd, instead Tiger goes the classy route by wiping his nose with a towel. I assume he chucked  it at the caddy afterwards who is clearly disgusted. But who cares, TIGER WOODS IS A SUPERSTAR. Know your place, Tiger Woods does, and that's why he wipes his nose with a towel and you pick up the snot rag after him.

On that note, Merry Christmas everyone! May your days be merry and your nostrils clear!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

APTN Firsthand: Dan Meacock

Now that we are settled in nicely here at, I'd like to commemorate this event with something a little different. We have managed to get a first hand account with picture from a star Division I soccer player. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dan Meacock in part I of our APTN Firsthand series:

"There comes a time is every game, every moment, every walk of life, when noses get stuffed...First with gross natural things..followed by ones fingers, resulting in easy breathing even with ones mouth closed. As a Division 1 athlete there are plenty of times when I'm a bit too busy to grab a tissue or ask a what else can I do to get rid of that stuffy feeling. I have nowhere else to turn in the heat of the moment other than to my trusted index friend. He has the ability to wipe away the troubles like nothing and no one else can at such short notice. So kids, parents, nagging old ladies, embrace the index, have a dig and you too can experience the magic...the magic of easy breathing, the magic of nonconformity, and the magic of witnessing an athlete picking their nose...then getting paid. 
Thank you for your time,
Dan Meacock
Belmont University"

Sunday, December 19, 2010 is in my possession, updates soon

Good news my devoted and insatiable fans, your favorite blog, will soon be moving to a slightly shorter domain name at I am currently in the process of transferring it all over, so stay tuned. When it is fully up I will let you know so you can all change your homepages accordingly. In the mean time here's Tom Coughlin at his press conference, after his team blew the game in a fantastically horrendous way, picking his nose in shame.

The New York Knicks Resurgence tour runs into Miami and LeBron's nosepicking

 Miami Heat vs. New York Knicks. Stop 2 after Boston on the "Bud Light Here We Go Everyone is a rival with the Knicks again tour" sponsored by ESPN. This game was actually a decent one. Not in terms of the play, the Heat demolished the Knicks, but in the important area: nose-picking. A nice tight close up of Wilson Chandler picking his nose with the proper goofy facial expression during it was a solid start to the other nosepicks captured. Before I go on I should apologize for the low quality, I had to get a new laptop after mine got stolen so the webcam isn't as good, but I still aim to get you the best possible picks.

Following Chandler we get Assistant Coach Erik Spoelstra doing pretty much what he does during games. To be honest he wasn't even very effective at picking, he didn't seem to cover much surface area in the nose so I question really how committed he was. For someone whose career is hanging in balance, it would be nice to see a little more effort.

Now to the main event, the reason why people show up to the Heat games (well I mean by halftime). Player/Head Coach LeBron James picking his nose. Clearly not as good as the once in a lifetime nosepick that told me he was leaving Cleveland, but here he's with people he wants to be with, so nosepicking is not at the top of his list. The talking and nosepick multitasking seen here is a talent nonetheless. LeBron knows no one is going to call him out on the team so of course he does whatever he wants. Which, based off of his precedence, is to pick his nose at basketball games.
It's not all praise on the King though. Come on LeBron, chewing your nails is a filthy habit and you did it all game. Let's be a little more hygienic please.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Colin Cowherd round 2, it just keeps getting better

Thank you deadspin, I can't heap enough praise onto you for your efforts in promoting athletic nose picking. You treat me to a second Colin Cowherd nose pick? It really is too much, I don't deserve it. You, fans, do however. I know it's been slow updating around here, but you keep coming back because you know I bring you what you want. Here is another example of the 'Herd picking his nose, most likely digging for an opinion. If I'm not mistaken the result of this was the judging of John Wall's career based off of a pregame Dougie. Thank you Colin, for continuing to come through in the clutch, we here at APTN appreciate the consistency. These repeat performances are few and far between so you have to enjoy the ones you can get.

  For all you new fans who have been coming here because you searched "Colin Cowherd looks like a rat" or in many cases are interested in the Manning brothers picking their noses, welcome to the family. Feel free to contribute, comment, and follow on twitter

Friday, December 3, 2010

Am I posting this picture out of spite? Perhaps, but nonetheless Jimbo Fisher picking his nose, ladies and gentlemen

As an impartial nasally-inclined sports journalist, I try to be as impartial as possible. I cannot, however, restrain my joy at this picture of FSU coach Jimbo Fisher clamping the nose. Add to that the score at the top, this truly is a glorious picture. We shall not speak of the game on Nov. 27th because as far as I'm concerned this season never happened, I'm banking on maybe a coma or concussion to help me forget this miserable season. Back to Jimbo, even though this is a joyous occasion featuring an FSU coach picking his nose on camera while losing to Florida, this pick is pretty run of the mill. I'm sure he was playing it off as a scratch as often to which this style lends itself, but I see none of the pizazz other athletes exhibit. Perhaps his days of athletic picking have gone with his old age, but I think the most disappointing part is that I see so much potential in Jimbo. He has the face of a nose-picker, the name of a nose-picker, and coaches at a school of nose-pickers. Show some pride Jimbo, I know you can do better.